Drunkshoes: A Primer.

Drunkshoes is a time honored LOD camping tradition. For those of you who are not familiar with the concept it's like Horseshoes and Quarters all rolled into one huge mess.

Teams of two men assemble on the field of battle. Beers in one hand and Horseshoes in the other. They taunt each other and scrape their feet like bulls getting ready to charge.

Once the bravado is at it's highest they fling a shoe at an iron stake sticking out of the ground. The closest shoe gets a point. But if you happen to land outside the box your team has to take a drink.

If for some reason the shoe goes two paces past the box in any direction the team has to chug one beer each. Once the beer is chugged play resumes.

In the event someone rings the stake they get 3 points and the person who threw it gets to make a rule. The rules stay in effect the entire duration of play. That's when the fun really begins.

After an extremely good round or 18 or Drunkshoes a player may feel the urge to cool down. This calls for a Creek Stomp. It is usually preceded by a head first dive into a shallow pool. During the Creek Stomp a player may fall, stumble, and or bust his ass. Turning blue is usually a side effect of the Creek Stomp. The water is around 50 degrees.

Following the Creek Stomp it is customary to eat an extremely good dinner and then chunk a propane cylinder in the nearest campfire for grins.

LOD Spring Freak Out 2009

Well it's time. Time for the annual pilgrimage to the hills. Looks like it is going to be a wet trip. So I think we need to mix things up a bit. Here's a few ideas.

Chug For The Title. This is a timed beer chug each morning. The Winner is referred to as "Lord Faggotor: King of Uranus" all day. The loser, will be referred to as "Beer Bitch" and gets to swim to the keg and refill every one's beer all day.

Chain Saw Juggling. We've all seen it done. But how drunk do you need to be to try it? A brave soul would supply the answer.

Horse Skeet. Think Drunkshoes with a twist. We all know the basic rules for Drunkshoes. Out of the box is a team drink. 2 paces outside the box is a creeker,and therefor, a team chug. I suggest the non throwing team member on each side, try to shoot the horseshoe mid flight with a paint ball gun. The receiving team cannot leave the two pace ring or it will result in a DQ. If you get hit by an errant paintball you may return fire during your throwing turn. Should be lots of fun and could also result in a new combat sport.

Game Warden Dunking*. The object of the game is to lure a Game Warden to the creek and give him a good dunking. Which would lead to the next game.

Escape And Evade*. This game involves running like hell through the woods from an angry, wet, and armed Game Warden. The object of this game is to not go to jail for dunking a Game Warden. Play at your own risk.

Fall On Your Ass. This is a new game we played last fall. It involves doing shots until you fall down laughing your butt off. Lots of fun. I think last time we had a three way tie for first place between Jerry, Pete, and Kevin. You get extra points for destroying your own camping equipment in the process. Points are deducted for trashing a fellow campers equipment, so be careful.

Hide And Go Pass Out. The title says it all. The question is, Will Jerry remain Grand Champion? Or will he pass the title? We'll find out Thursday!


*Extra points for Ranger Dan.

Jobu Tried To Kill Me.

One bright and lovely spring weekend The Legion Of Doom had convened on the hill for our usual merriment. It was a wonderful trip. With one exception. Jobu tried to kill me.

We camped in the bend in the road campsite. It is a nice site. It has a few good things going for it. It's very secluded. You cannot see it from the road. It has a nice fire ring. It's in a nice peaceful little valley with a creek on one side. It's really quite nice. About the only drawback is there is not a flat piece of ground to be found to place your tent on. You just need to make sure you sleep with your head pointing up hill. No biggie.

Being spring I was miserable. If it is a plant, I'm allergic to it. I think spring is a pretty time of year, but I can do without all the pollen nonsense. I've come up with a list of over the counter allergy medication that when ground with a mortar and pestle, and then snorted up each nostril seems to help. I've also discovered that when camping in the spring I should drink large quantities of beer. This helps me forget how utterly miserable I am.

We made it through Friday night and all day Saturday without getting ourselves harmed in any serious manner. The camping trip was shaping up nicely. Saturday night rolled around and we began to drink seriously. (We really hate to bring home lots of beer.) It was a beautiful night the was not a cloud in the sky.

One beer lead to another and pretty soon we decided to chunk one in the fire. This was before we began to make huge fires so the bottle had time to get good and hot before it exploded. It went off with a thunderous BOOM. It was pretty cool so we stoked the fire back up and did it again.

This time the bottle did not explode. Instead the beer inside began to boil. You could see the bubbles rolling through the brown bottle. It then began to hiss. Then it began to shake. The shaking worried us a bit. It really need to be relived of some of its pressure. So...we threw rocks at it.

The problem with throwing rocks when you have been drinking is your aim. Its hard to aim at something that keeps moving back and forth. I decided that I needed to aim somewhere in the middle. I did hit it a few times but with not sufficient force to break it. Now we were begging to panic. The bottle was starting to jump around the fire pit. Something had to be done!

Just when we were getting ready to duck as the possessed beer from hell was beginning to fly about camp, some one yelled "Hit it with a shovel!" Ordinarily this would not be a big problems. Most shovels have a 5 foot long handle. Our shovel was an E-Tool. If you don't know what and E-Tool is its a folding shovel about 2 feet long that our government uses to torture our Armed Forces.

Being the drunkest in the bunch and thereby the most bullet proof I snatched up the E-Tool and began to battle with the flying beer bottle. I began to swat at it with all my might. I wounded it and The demon settled back into the fire pit. I then began to whack it with all I had. From behind me I heard my "Friends" yelling "Hit it like a Man!!" I turned to look at them and all I saw was three heads poking out from behind a large white pine. I thought "What a bunch of cowards!" and smacked it one last time.

I remember admiring the mushroom cloud as I was flying backwards carried by the shock wave. If you have never surfed a shock wave I highly recommend it. I recall looking down on Jerry , Kevin, and Pete as they hid behind the tree. The puzzled looks on their faces was priceless as they tried to figure out where I had gone. Before I lost sight of the campfire I saw what I thought was two eyes and an evil grin forming in the mushroom cloud...It was the face of Jobu. He was laughing.

The next morning I woke up in the creek. The water was rather cold but the crayfish that were picking the glass from my clothes gave me some warmth. I walked the two miles back to camp.

When I got there I noticed a silhouette of my body on the tree that was behind me during the "smacking." It was the only bit that did not have glass embedded in the bark. The ground around the fire ring was stripped bare. It looked as if someone had pressure washed it. And the rocks that made up the fire ring looked to have been sandblasted.

I did recover from my injuries. There is still a piece of glass embedded in my scalp and my right hand still twitches every now and then. And when ever I hear "Hit it like a Man" I flinch and have the sensation of flight but I can live with it. Jobu didn't succeed in killing me this trip or the few dozen that followed it. But he still tries.