75 Ways To Bite The Big One With The LOD

We seem to tempt fate every time we go camping. One of these days we’re going to be taken out in one of the following ways.



1. Raped by a bear while on a Death March to the waterfall.
2. Pulling a “Bon Scott” after 18 rounds of “Holy Cow! Look At The Size Of That Moose!”
3. Taken out by a Drunken Idiot’s 9mm while said Idiot is trying to remove clip.
4. Run Over by fellow camper while playing “Hide And Go Pass Out”
5. Set ablaze by a “Camp Fire Gone Bad”.
6. Innards dissolved by “Chili From Hell.”
7. Shot while trying to escape “Tree Molestation” charges from Ranger Dan.
8. Liver Liquefaction.
9. Broken Neck from “Creek Pool Diving.”
10. Stoned to death by college kids with a dead battery.
11. Freak “Air Mandolin” accident.
12. Crushed Skull while riding back from school bus on mountain bikes without helmets.
13. Inhaling new airborne strain of E. coli bacteria released by a burning poo bag.
14. Shooting off the mountain in a jeep during “Mr. P.C.’s Wild Ride”
15. Starvation while duct taped in a crapper.
16. Eaten alive by moles while sleeping.
17. Impaled by exploding mauls.
18. Frozen Paintball Enema.
19. Being the person who administered the Frozen Paintball Enema.
20. Not paying the person who administered the Frozen Paintball Enema.
21. Crushed while trying to unstick “The Beast”
22. Meat Poisoning.
23. Sepsis from Ruptured Stomach.
24. Quoting lines from “The Sound of Music.”
25. Killed by shrapnel from exploding universal joints.
26. “Hey Y’all Look at This!”
27. When Propane Is Not Your Friend.
28. Made into BBQ by “Ol’ Moley” behind the bait shop.
29. Annoyed to death by Freaky Neighbor Camper who was attacked by hornets while cutting firewood because he was not aware of his surroundings and felt like he needed to tell everyone within 8 miles of him of his terrible experience. (Intentionally a run on sentence. Should be followed by ...and one time...at band camp...)
30. Being a friend of the guy who cleared the Walnut Fork Campsite and made the “new” road to school bus.
31. Duct taped to tree and covered in raw bacon after sweeping Legionnaires with pistol while drunk. Aka…Bear Bait Stupidity Cure.
32. Fried biscuits cause your arteries to harden so quickly you look Pompeian.
33. While never proven, we’re pretty sure a hangover can be fatal. We’ve been close several times collectively.
34. Banged in the head by a canopy “falling the f*** off.”
35. Falling in the fire while exhaling.
36. Brained by a creeker.
37. Death by I.E.D.
38. Death while trying to I. an E.D.
39. Exploding Anal Vapors or Chili Induced Rapid Deceleration. (He survived the explosion, only to be impaled by a conifer upon reentry…)
40. Pissing Off the Old Guys.
41. Hitting it with a shovel – like a man.
42. Drunken chain sawin’ / fire wood scrounging.
43. Turtles turn out to be vicious, mean drunks.
44. Sudden Sobriety Syndrome (caused by running out of beer while right smack dab in the middle of a very good drunk.)
45. It rains so hard you just f****n’ die.
46. Suffocation in a tent caused by the depletion of oxygen from farts caused by rancid deer meat.
47. Being a Mormon.
48. Protective father slaughters several male progeny over a practical joke gone bad. I.e.: Q: Luke, what are the kids doin’ in the camper? A: They’re all layin’ naked under a blanket…
49. Spud gun misadventure.
50. You suddenly become so intelligent during a practical application of Cliff Clavin’s ‘Buffalo Theory’ that you spontaneously evolve into a higher life form.
51. Replacing “Ron White” with a “Dane Cook” CD.
52. Deliberately throwing Creekers.
53. Inviting Brokeback Mountain extras into camp.
54. Death by Hot Damn 100 Proof.
55. Drunk shoes rules gone bad (death by pushups, impaled while spinning around the stob, etc…)
56. Ex-Marine camper finally snaps during a Sambuca fueled flashback.
57. Sudden reversal of the Earth’s magnetic field causes all 43 of the razor sharp knives you have attached to your body to suddenly turn inward.
58. Draxlflaffled to death.
59. B.A.C. of 1.0 (a perfect score!)
60. Bacon Grease Camp Fire Flambé.
61. Hari-kari committed as the first notes of Dueling Banjo’s fills the air.
62. Shot by ricochet from drunken idiot attacking the dark with a Russian assault rifle.
63. Shipwrecked during “Naval Warfare.”
64. Cardiac arrest induced by Rubber Snake in Cooler.
65. Extolling the virtues of Opera in camp.
66. Calling the “Cooler of Cirrhosis” by the abbreviation “COC.”
67. Choking to death on your own tongue while snoring after a night of celebration.
68. Smothered to death by fellow camper while snoring after a night of celebration.
69. Mauled to death by a bear while attempting to ride it into town.
70. Frozen to death during freak blizzard.
71. Bitten on the bum by an extremely rare and venomous spider that only lives inside of state maintained outhouses.
72. Chugging a “Pepper Beer.”
73. Giving a Fellow camper a “Pepper Beer”
74. Impaled by flying driveshaft while following “The Beast” up Highway 441.
75. Struck dead by lightning after waving extended middle fingers in the air and yelling “F*** YOU JOBU!”