I’m starting to get a little on the hungry side so I think I’ll talk about food for a bit. As a camper evolves, so does his ability to cook in the mountains.
In the beginning our meals consisted mainly of hotdogs cooked on a stick and prepackaged ready to eat foods. Specifically, Little Debbie Nutty Bars and Doritos.
Eventually we began to warm canned food. Beans for the most part. I can remember a can or two of stew as well.
Later we began to cook breakfast foods. Eggs and bacon. And then we tried biscuits.
Biscuits and camping may not sound like to things that work well together without bringing up an oven. Truthfully you really should have an oven present to cook biscuits. I imagine you could use your handy dandy cast iron Dutch oven. But for me that is inviting cinders to form.
One of our intrepid members found a “solution” to the biscuit dilemma. First you need to cook about 5 pounds of bacon. When you are done cooking the bacon you should have approximately 2.5 inches of bacon fat bubbling away in the bottom of your pan. Do not dispose of this fat. It is crucial to the next step.
Now when you were doing your grocery shopping you should have picked up enough canned biscuits to feed 16 folks of so. Open up your canned dough and plop those doughy little turds into your grease. Fry them until they turn an nice crispy golden brown on one side. Turn those little beasties.
When you are complete you should have a nice thin layer of bacon grease left in the pan. Just enough for a batch of eggs, but not enough to dump in the fire. Cook up your eggs.
Now it’s time to eat. Grab a plate and load up about 10 pieces of bacon, a big scoop of eggs and a biscuit or two.
We all should know what campfire eggs and bacon tastes like. But the biscuits are a completely different story.
When you pick up the biscuit the first thing you notice is that it is heavier than you thought it should be. The second thing you notice is that when you release it what ever you happen to grab next slips our of your grasp almost immediately. You chalk this up to all the beer you drank the night before.
After having found a nice chair to sit in out of the smoke from the early morning fire. You pick up your biscuit. A cool thought usually goes through you head at this point. “I’ve got bacon, eggs and a biscuit! Man we have arrived!”
Your joy is short lived however. You bite into your biscuit. Now you need to wipe your chin. “That’s odd” you think. “I didn’t butter my biscuit.” That’s not butter dripping off your chin. It’s bear cocaine. Bacon fat.
After eating one of these coronary sponges you are over come with the urge to vomit. But being a trooper you stick it out. Maybe pouring some beer on it will help to dissolve the fat. But that does not do the trick.
Your only recourse is to wait it out. The details of which you can only imagine.
The next morning you discover that cooking in the skillet is 20 pounds of pork sausage. Once again the biscuits come out. This time you are wiser. When the cook is not looking you toss your biscuit into the fire. Oily black smoke licks skyward as the biscuit is cremated. You look away and hear a “Whump!” as another biscuit burst into flame.
The next trip you discover that the biscuits have once again returned to the mountain. It’s time for a preemptive strike. Start out telling of the MythBusters episode where they cook off cans of instant biscuits in a hot car. Then suggest that they may explode in a fire.
The first can goes in. You hear a small pop. And the side of the can has popped open. “That one must have been a dud.” you say. “Try another.” Soon all the death sponges are consumed by flame.
And your colon thanks you.
As I typed this I realized that if you wrap a biscuit can in duct tape on the sides and secure the bottom you may be able to launch a few biscuits skyward. I think I may have a diversion when we once again assemble on the hill.
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